CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY -- QUOTES
Mike Teavee: Who wants a beard?
Willy Wonka: Well, beatniks for one, folk singers and motorbike riders. Y'know.
All those hip, jazzy, super cool, neat, keen, and groovy cats. It's in the fridge, daddy-o!
Are you hip to the jive? Can you dig what I'm layin' down? I knew that you could. Slide me
some skin, soul brother!
Willy Wonka: You can't have your family hanging over you like an old, dead goose. No offense.
Grandpa George: None taken. Jerk.
Shopkeeper: You found Wonka's last golden ticket!
Willy Wonka: [slams into glass elevator] I really need to remember where I park that thing.
Willy Wonka: You're all quite short, aren't you?
Violet Beauregarde: Well yeah, we're children.
Willy Wonka: Well that's no excuse. I was never as short as you.
Mike Teavee: You were once.
Willy Wonka: Was not. Know why? Because I distinctly remember putting a hat on top of my
head. Look at your short little arms. You could never reach.
Violet Beauregarde: [after stretching into a pretzel shape] Look mother,
I'm much more flexible now.
Mrs. Beauregarde: [disapprovingly] Yes, but you're blue.
Willy Wonka: I sure hope no part of him gets left behind.
Mr. Teavee: What do you mean?
Willy Wonka: Uh, well... sometimes only half of the little pieces find their way
through. If you had to choose only one half of your son, which one would it be?
Mr. Teavee: What kind of a question is that?
Willy Wonka: No need to snap, just a question.
Mike Teavee: You don't understand *anything* about science! First off, there's a difference between waves and particles! DUH! Second, the amount of power it would take to convert energy into matter would be like nine atomic bombs!
Narrator: In the end, Charlie Bucket won a chocolate factory. But Willy Wonka had something even better, a family. And one thing was absolutely certain - life had never been sweeter.
Mike Teavee: Why is everything here completely pointless?
Charlie Bucket: Candy doesn't have to have a point. That's why it's candy.
Willy Wonka: [sorting through a big bunch of keys] There it is. There it isn't.
Willy Wonka: Do you like my meadow? Try some of my grass! Please have a blade, please do,
it's so delectable and so darn good looking!
Charlie Bucket: You can eat the grass?
Willy Wonka: Of course you can! Everything in this room is eatable, even *I'm* eatable!
But that is called "cannibalism," my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.
Violet Beauregarde: [hugs Wonka] Mr. Wonka, I'm Violet Beauregarde.
Willy Wonka: [freaked out] Oh. I don't care.
Violet Beauregarde: Well, you should care. Because I'm the girl who's gonna win the special prize at the end.
Willy Wonka: Well, you do seem confident and confidence is key.
Veruca Salt: I'm Veruca Salt. It's very nice to meet you, sir.
[does a curtsy]
Willy Wonka: I always thought a verruca was a type of wart you got on the bottom of your foot. Ha.
Augustus Gloop: [Augustus steps in front of Veruca] I'm Augustus
Gloop. I love your chocolate.
Willy Wonka: I can see that. So do I. I never expected to have so much in
common.
[Wonka stops and turns around to Mike]
Willy Wonka: You, you're Mike Teavee. You're the little devil who cracked
the system.
[looks at Charlie]
Willy Wonka: And you, you're just lucky to be here, aren't you?
Grandpa George: The kids who are going to find the golden tickets are the
ones who can afford to buy candy bars every day. Our Charlie only gets one a
year. He doesn't have a chance.
Grandma Josephine: Everyone has a chance, Charlie.
Grandpa George: Mark my words. The first kid to find a golden ticket will
be fat, fat, fat.
Augustus Gloop: [Augustus appears and cameras flash] I am eating
the Wonka bar and I taste something that is not chocolate. Or coconut. Or
walnut, or peanut butter, or caramel. Or sprinkles. So I look and I find the
golden ticket.
Grandpa George: [the Bucket home sees the TV with Augustus on the
screen] Told you he'd be a porker.
Willy Wonka: Everything in this room is eatable. Even *I'm* eatable. But that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.
Violet Beauregarde: Are they real people?
Willy Wonka: Of course they're real people. They're Oompa Loompas.
Mr. Salt: Oompa Loompas?
Willy Wonka: Imported. Direct from Loompaland.
Mr. Teavee: There's no such place.
Willy Wonka: What?
Mr. Teavee: Mr. Wonka, I teach high school geography, and I'm here to
tell you...
Willy Wonka: Well, then, you'll know all about it and oh what a terrible
country it is.
Grandma Georgina: You smell like peanuts. I love peanuts.
Willy Wonka: Oh, thank you. You smell like... old people. And soap. I
like it.
Willy Wonka: Good morning, starshine... the earth says hello!
Mike Teavee: You mean that's it?
Willy Wonka: Do you even know what *it* is?
Veruca Salt: Will Violet always be a blueberry?
Willy Wonka: No. Maybe. I dunno. But that's what you get from chewing gum
all day, it's just disgusting.
Mike Teavee: If you hate gum so much, why do you make it?
Willy Wonka: Once again you really shouldn't mumble, because it's really
starting to bum me out.
Mr. Salt: [as the squirrels take Veruca] Where are they taking
her?
Willy Wonka: Where all the other bad nuts go to, to the garbage chute.
Mr. Salt: Where does the chute go?
Willy Wonka: ...To the incinerator. But don't worry, we only light it on
Tuesdays.
Mike Teavee: Today IS Tuesday.
Willy Wonka: [after a pause] Well, there's always a chance they
decided not to light it today.
Mrs. Beauregarde: What do you use Hair Cream for?
Willy Wonka: To lock in moisture. [primps hair]
Veruca Salt: Daddy! I want a flying glass elevator!
Mr. Salt: Veruca, the only thing you're getting today is a bath, and
that's final!
Dr. Wonka: All these years, and you haven't flossed.
Willy Wonka: Not once.
Willy Wonka: Let's put him in the taffy puller!
Mr. Teavee: [horrified] Taffy puller?
Willy Wonka: Hey, that was my idea!
Veruca Salt: Daddy, I want a squirrel. Get me one of those squirrels. I
want one.
Mr. Salt: Veruca dear, you have many marvelous pets.
Veruca Salt: All I've got at home is one pony and two dogs and four cats
and six bunny rabbits and two parakeets and three canaries and a green parrot
and a turtle, and a silly old hamster! I WANT A SQUIRREL!
Mike Teavee: A retard could figure it out.
Mr. Teavee: Most of the time, I don't know what he's talking about. I
mean, kids today, what with all the technology...
Mike Teavee: [blasting enemies in a video game] Die! Die! Die!
Mr. Teavee: ...doesn't seem like they stay kids very long.
Violet Beauregarde: What's so funny?
Willy Wonka: It must be from all those dog-gone cocoa beans. Hey, by the
way, did you guys know that chocolate contains a property that triggers the
release of endorphins? Gives one the feeling of being in love.
Mrs. Beauregarde: [flirtily] You don't say?
Willy Wonka: Let's keep on truckin'.
Willy Wonka: Uh, you really shouldn't mumble, because I can't understand a word you're saying.
Willy Wonka: I've been longing to press that button for years. Well, here
we go! Up and out!
Grandpa Joe: But do you really mean...?
Willy Wonka: Yeah, I do!
Grandpa Joe: But it's made of glass! It'll smash into a million pieces!
[Willy giggles]
Grandpa Joe: I saw Willy Wonka with my own two eyes. I used to work for
him, you know.
Charlie Bucket: You did?
Grandma Josephine: He did.
Grandpa George: He did.
Grandma Georgina: I love grapes.
Dr. Wonka: Do you have an appointment?
Charlie Bucket: No, but he's overdue.
Mrs. Gloop: Where is my son? Where does that pipe go to?
Willy Wonka: That pipe happens to go to a room where I make the most
delicious kind of strawberry-flavored chocolate-coated fudge.
Mrs. Gloop: Then he will be made into strawberry-flavored
chocolate-coated fudge? They'll be selling him by the pound all over the world?
Willy Wonka: No, I wouldn't allow it. The taste would be terrible. Can
you imagine Augustus-flavored chocolate-coated Gloop? Ew. No one would buy it.
Mr. Bucket: Your mum and I thought, maybe you'd like to open your
birthday present tonight.
Charlie Bucket: Maybe we should wait until morning.
Grandpa George: Like hell.
Grandpa Joe: All together we're 381 years old. We don't wait.
Willy Wonka: What do you think about little raspberry kites?
Charlie Bucket: With licorice instead of string!
Mrs. Bucket: Boys, no business at the dinner table.
Charlie Bucket: Sorry, Mum.
Willy Wonka: I think you're onto something though, Charlie.
Grandpa George: There's plenty of money out there. They print more of it every day. But that ticket? There are only five of them in the world, and that's all there's ever going to be. Only a dummy would give this up for something as common as money. Are you a dummy?
Willy Wonka: [while passing a room where Oompa Loompa's are shearing pink hair from sheep] I'd rather not talk about this one...
Veruca Salt: Daddy, I want another pony.
Willy Wonka: My name is Willy Wonka.
Veruca Salt: Then shouldn't you be up there?
[points to stage]
Willy Wonka: Well, I couldn't very well watch the show from up there,
now, could I, little girl?
Grandpa Joe: Mr. Wonka, I don't know if you remember me, but I used to
work here in the factory.
Willy Wonka: Were you one of those despicable spies who everyday tried to
steal my life's work and sell it to those parasitic copy-cat candy-making cads?
Grandpa Joe: No, sir.
Willy Wonka: Then wonderful, welcome back.
Willy Wonka: The waterfall is most important. Mixes the chocolate. Churns it up, makes it light and frothy. By the way, no other factory in the world mixes its chocolate by waterfall, my dear children, and you can take that to the bank.
Charlie Bucket: Mr. Wonka.
Willy Wonka: Huh?
Charlie Bucket: Why would Augustus' name already be in the Oompa Loompa's
song unless they...
Willy Wonka: [interrupts] Improvisation is parlor trick, anyone
can do it.
[turns to Violet]
Willy Wonka: You, little girl. Say something. Anything.
Violet Beauregarde: Chewing gum.
Willy Wonka: Chewing gum is really gross, chewing gum I hate the most.
See? Exactly the same.
Grandma Georgina: Nothing's impossible, Charlie.
Willy Wonka: [coming upon a tiny door] An important room, this. It
is a chocolate factory, after all.
Mike Teavee: Then, why's the door so small?
Willy Wonka: That's to keep all the great big chocolatey flavor inside.
Mike Teavee: In the end, I only had to buy one candy bar.
TV Reporter: And how did it taste?
Mike Teavee: I don't know, I hate chocolate!
Willy Wonka: Ah, the administrations office. Hello Doris!
